Ghosted: She’s always there for you...until she vanishes by J.E. Rowney

Author:J.E. Rowney [Rowney, J.E.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2020-01-30T16:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

On Wednesday, the last thing on my mind is seeing Matt. I need to talk to Zoe. I want to offload some of the stress from work. I want to know that she is okay. I want to know why she hasn’t replied. I swap out my morning in theatre with Carly, one of the other scrub-trained midwives, so I can spend my full shift on the ward with Claire. I want to be with her for her MRI, I want continuity for her, but in all honesty, I want it for me too. I want to know what’s happening. I want to know that she is going to be alright. I want so much but nothing seems to be going my way. I hate myself for having that thought, when I know what Claire is going through, and when I have no idea what Zoe might be experiencing. Stupid selfish Violet. Stooopid stooopid stooopid.

As it turns out, Claire can’t get an MRI scan until tomorrow. Outpatients sometimes have to wait months to be scanned, so even tomorrow is fast. Her baby is moving well, its heart rate has been perfect on the cardiotocograph traces and Claire has adequate pain relief for the time being. The anaesthetist has set up a morphine drip for her, which is making her sleepier but reducing her backache.

Before Michael arrives on the ward, I go to sit by her, for a few quiet minutes.

“I can only imagine how you must be feeling,” I say.

“I don’t know how I’m feeling really.” She shuffles in the bed, bringing her legs up so that I can sit beside her. “Still in shock. Me and Michael. He’s been great, but…I don’t know what to say to him either. I know he’s terrified.”

“You must be too?”

“But I’m scared for him as well as for me. I’m scared of how he’s feeling, how he’s coping with this. I’m the strong one.” She forms a small smile that is filled with sadness. “I don’t know what he would do without me.”

I suck in my breath. “I don’t think it’s going to come to that. I don’t know. I mean. Wait for the MRI. We’ll know a lot more after that. But don’t start thinking the worst. Not yet. Not now.”

“It’s all I can think. I can only imagine the worst, because then, if the worst doesn’t happen, then I’m lucky. Then something good has happened. If I pretend everything is going to be fine, then surely I can only be disappointed.”

I nod, knowing that this logic makes some kind of sense.

“Find out more. Get more information before you believe in the worst. Your scan is tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow feels like a thousand years from now.”

I’m questioning my abilities as a midwife, a caregiver, a supporter. I don’t have the words to magically make Claire feel any better. I can’t do anything.

As if to save me from floundering for something useful to say, the door opens and Michael walks through. He heads straight up to Claire’s bedside, kisses her softly on the forehead and gently hugs her.

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